Great Day

I garden once per week at a community garden in Montreal, through the Action Communiterre network. We had the annual Harvest Party today, which involved a bike tour of the 5 gardens in the NDG areas, sweet refreshments at the gardens such as gazpacho (my contribution, yum), fresh cucumbers with dill and garlic, and minted iced tea with bergamot (what a great flavour for tea--I have to plant some). The tour ended with the most amazing potluck outside, under a tent, and near the community network's largest garden. Lots of nice people in attendance, great music, better food! And to top it off, I won two tickets to the BioDome. Always a good time!

In addition to swimming several times this week, the biking has contributed to an overall sense of goodness in my body. Its so good to exercise. I wish I'd known this secret years ago--something I think I'll be trying to fit into my daily schedule from now on. Even a little walk goes a long way. And walking, something else I've been doing a lot of. It sure does clear the head!

Closing the chapter on George has been very difficult for me, and I'm still not through it--tears last night and again this morning--and although I want to be with him still, and am sure he misses me a lot (we were most certainly in love), having new beautiful experiences in my life helps so much. Positivity. Goes a long long way.

Just rained. What fresh gorgeous air coming in through my patio door. And now, I shall write. And eat more cucumbers.

Who doesn't love beautiful things.

Great Book Source

http://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/m/montaigne/michel/

http://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/w/woolf/virginia/

Woolf's Writing Desk

Feeling out of it this weekend.
Bills to pay are piling up, rent is paid but emptied the bank account so I have no money for the next two weeks. What to do without money? Can I plan a visit home? Unlikely. Oh to be rich, or at least comfortable. How am I supposed to purchase my dream cottage in the country anyway?

Have two web projects left to complete as well. I need energy and mood elevators. I will go to the gym tonight, and later, eat a delicious meal of trout. God this blog is so dull.

I also have to finish a school project that's nearing completion, and rewrite the SSHRC proposal. Why do I stall? I'm completely unsure of what to write, if it'll be accepted, or if I'll be denied and so unable to attend school in a month. Why do I wait? I panic.

There is no fear.

I will have it done by tomorrow. I must.

There once was a girl who was seduced by Knowledge. She waded, as a child through the surf, but Indelible the moments were not. With great lust, great zeal, did she launch all ambition toward that which subdued and at once amplified Heart matters--toward the art of poetry, and later with similar desire did she embark on a view of the ancient past to satiate and replenish the dark desert which had grown inside her. Hands the colour of Rust. Knowledge was very kind to her, as it provided moments of epiphany and ecstasy, the aperture of life larger, revived. But it did not resolve Heart matters, as the bridge connecting logic to emotion had been washed out. To receive such thrills from Knowledge, and to as yet be Heart isolated, the passage lost, Heart broken... there are Books which resolve one side, and yet a path paved with paper will not float. And so the girl remains separate, not altogether two parts whole. To each part, lessons are granted, and misunderstood. To each, there is much Heart and much Knowledge. And one day a union will prevail.

dining alone is leading the life of a lion or wolf.

~Epicurus

Apparently, according to my Shamanistic journey, I am the wolf.
The lone wolf.


damn it.

Why

don't you love me.

I continue to be assaulted by dreams of you. Last night I was awoken three times to disturbing dreams of you loving other women, and flaunting it in front of me.

The very fact that you said you wanted to be in my skin at times to be closer to me, and that you continued to show your love and passion for me, staring more deeply into my eyes... only to walk away as if we'd only been together for a month or two... breaks my heart. How could you pull away and at once draw nearer? This is certainly evidence of your inability to commit to anyone, let alone one you love. For I know you love me. But you are afraid of so much, afraid of intimacy and true affection, longevity and pure love... and you have decided to hide. Hide for several weeks, hide in Florida, moving apartments... to break all ties with me is so painful. What have I done to deserve this? Why don't you love me?

I need to sleep, and I can't get you out of my head. I have been left, completely. Alone. I fill my days and do the best I can, but grieve you all the time. My life was so intertwined with yours. And you've just---left. Gone. As far away from me as you can get. Like I did something terrible to you.

Or like I meant nothing to you. The worst of all things. I feel as though I've been having a three year relationship with another person, who is now dead. Who are you?

I don't know why there were so many good things if the end result was always to walk away. It leaves me restless and disturbed. My heart wavers and is unsure. Uncertainty abounds. And you simply forget. It is so easy for you. I simply cease to exist.

I have moments where I wish we'd never met. And others where you realize your foolish decision.

I wish I were larger than I am. There is so much weakness.

Right.

So, what about me? Oh yeah, I forgot. I exist. I EXIST.

Things I'd like to return to, passions of my heart: opera lessons, trips to the New York Metropolitan Opera (which fills my soul to overflow every single time), Bach (have you ever just listened to his music, really listened to it? It slays, invigorates, reminds me what the heart is capable of. Such softness, chaos, rejuvenation, poetry), visits to the Botanical gardens, Pottery, walks, more walks, DANCE classes, reading (lots), baking, tea enough to drown several ships, traveling, laughing (when did I forget how to laugh?). I have cried a goddamned river, thank you very much. I would like to move on now. I would like to find REAL love, not an imitation--and certainly not a taste of love once in awhile when it suits the other persons desires and/or schedule. I would like to fly, to remember who I am, to take back the day, the sunshine and the birds, to sleep again, soundly, dreamless. I would like to no longer be sad. I wish to be happy and most of all, at peace--which I am taking steps toward through Shambhala meditation, eating well (thank you, Wild Rose Herbal Cleanse), and exercise. And.... I need to stop hiding myself away.

That is all. For now.