it’s only longing. we must learn to exist beyond it, move past it, to the other side that is reason.

Femiwism

Thinking about Bett's Feminism question/post. One thing occurs to me over and over: can we ever move beyond our history? I suppose that goes for anyone in any past situation. Given we have the human capacity for memory, and that once an event happens in a lifetime, it is never forgotten. We can move forward, but there will always be stalls.

I saw a lot of poverty, abuse and general disrepect of women as a child. In many ways I did not realize my full womanly potential as a free and choosing being until I was educated in high school. And then, it's as if girls disappeared into the homogenous mix that is humanity and became, somehow, less than female. In trying to recognize women (in the 80's) as equal in society, I think women lost a little connection to themselves. I'm not sure my generation has quite come to terms with that yet. There seems to be a lot of identity searching, a lot of confusion on exactly "who" to be. Perhaps it is the same with men, given they are too no longer tied to the 50's "ideal" of marriage.

I would not be here studying, pursuing an intellectual life, if the women who came before me did not stand up for rights "to choose". I am also thankful that having children is no longer considered something a woman must do (although I think we could all say we feel the biological urge from time to time--nature does not adjust itself to feminism--whatever that may entail for each individual).

I grew up in New Brunswick. My family still asks me if I'm ever going to get married. Last time I talked to my uncle Owen he said he could fix me up with a nice boy from Albert County (said he and my uncle Hartley could keep an eye on him in case he got out of hand). I thought myself into that life for a moment and discovered just how foreign it might seem. Have I moved beyond that kind of life? Did feminism do that?

I only hope that in my pursuance of higher education, in my taking care of myself (solely, completely), that I'm not too busy to make time for the possibility of marriage. I was proposed to only a year ago, but wanted to move to further pursue my education. The relationship could not withstand the distance. But then, this is another problem that seems to face the new century--how does a woman go about meeting interesting, intellectual men? The bar has become the social circle, the outdoors club, the extracurricular evening classes city's tend to hold... but it's difficult to know if the person is sincere or just trying to meet girls (happened to me, in an acting class--turns out, the guy nabbed a few phone numbers). Anyway, I digress.

I read Gloria Steinhem when I was younger. It was pretty great. But then, I had teenage self-esteem problems. Helped with that.

Feminism, it's pretty okay. And, it's pretty personal.

New York

Am going to be in New York Oct 18-22. My first time (if you can believe it). Anyone know of any readings/poetic endeavours I should involve myself in?

Will be going to the Metropolitan Opera too! Have a new dress (thanks to Montreal's huge and ever so inexpensive Le Chateau outlet); very very exciting.

I hope to visit Henry Miller/Allen Ginsberg/Amiri Baraka/etc. places of interest.

I still hope there is some charm left.

Sometimes I wonder if some young fantastic female fashionista died in the 1930's and was somehow transported partially into my own atomic make-up. I adore 30's fashion.

I was just now searching for old patterns (thought I'd get my sewing machine into action again today--been studying since Sunday and I need a break!). I happened upon this site where old German dress patterns have been disassembled, or simply mixed up enough to have lost their associative pieces. It made me sad to think of lost parts of paper once belonging to something and having some purpose in this world would no longer hold to its original potential, and of course my very next thought was in associating that time with such chaos in Germany. Reminded me of the haunting visit I had there in 2002. I toured the small towns along the Mosel and Rhine rivers and came across abandoned graveyards and old train cars with the German eagle tarnished in it's wheel axle.

I'm trying to write a poem about it.

I never realized just how real the holocaust was until I'd seen proof of it first hand. Took my breath away. That humans are capable of such things is entirely frightening. I live with this fear, as I am part of the human race. I feel a share in that pain.

I need more time

Welcome to the fall semester.

Monday: 6-815, Heroic Epics of Greece and Rome
Tuesday: 11:45-1, Ancient Greek.
6-815 The Prose Poem Advanced Poetry Workshop with Mary diMichelle.
830-1045, ENG 425 Advanced Poetry Workshop with David McGimpsey.
Thursday: 11:45-1, Ancient Greek.

In between times, I manage the TA position, small Web design jobs, and try to think about finally finishing some reviews for money (I hear money comes in handy now and then).

So, because my Tuesday's are insane, I can't take time to get to Ottawa (my car's now working again, but I can't afford to register it--$255 per year, that's stupid. I think I may just have to sell it. After all, poet's don't typically have cars, right?). Anyway, I won't be able to make it to see the fantastic Daphne Marlatt on October 3rd. Because it falls on a Tuesday and I have to attend class for my workshop that day... not to mention we get attendance marks removed for any absences... which I think is an easy way out in grading a poetry workshop--15%, ridiculous. But I'm very broken up about the reading I can't make. So, if you're in Ottawa, go see her for me. Give her lots of attention, she deserves it for writing such important and moving work over the years. Her new stuff is great too.

I have another dilemna. I sat in on a class on my crazy Tuesday from 1-2:30 with this political science prof everyone is nuts about. Now I'm nuts about him too. He's teaching a class on Plato's Laws and it's AMAZING. Now, how exactly do I find time to take this course? And does it fit into my program? Of course it doesn't. But I'm kinda disappointed in my courses this year so far (except Ancient Greek, it's challenging and brilliant), and I know this class would make me think think think... what to do, oh what to do. Maybe I'll sit in again tomorrow and see what I think. I could always drop one of the others (although they are all required... damn, I need more time at university. Another 10 years would do it).

If Plato could only come to me in dreams...

Hail to the Universe!

Or something like that.

Well then.

I am now officially a TA for Greek Myth. A class I took only one year ago. Fantastic! (No more hotel job!) And I'll be working with a great prof too--one who's inspired me to continue my classics-poetry adventure (a la Anne Carson, perhaps, although I will be completely different. Of course). Happy happy.

And, sad sad. Relationship woes. I seem to be cursed with them. Does it get any easier people?

In light, Julie London has something to offer up. Thanks Julie.

My new apartment is also fantastic.