I am a work of fiction.
I am alone.
I am dealt. Or spent.
I am heavy breaded.
I am glass such thin transparent glass such visibility.
I am not.
I am without withall with out.
I am nothing to you I am sad I am lost.
You are gone. The death of a river. The depth of an ocean. (the loud river, the silent ocean).

You are gone. More, have disappeared. Moved apartments, changed your life all within 3 weeks. As if it was planned that way. As if my heart my head my body means nothing to you. Three years. And, gone. How will I ever recover from such emptiness. The shock of it.

"In life nothing worthwhile ever comes easy"

What does this mean? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Today

I miss you most. Thinking back on our fun times together, the talks, the laughter, the good company, the sweetnesses, the love. Why do you have to turn your world around? What are you so afraid of?

Three years is a long time to suddenly walk away. I don't know how you can do it without a word. Kind of like a robot. A very bad robot. A robot that needs to be put away never to be seen again.

God, I'm losing my mind.

bot love

A boyfriend built to my specifications, from Kronos himself. Too good to be true.

http://www.mysoju.com/absolute-boyfriend-zettai-kareshi/

In other news: Old Man, ha.

Doubt

The promise of happiness with a companion--to get so close and have to walk away--is replete with excruciating doubt.

To lose oneself in the pursuit of joy is cruelty's best work.

Now, to rekindle and step singly toward.

But toward what? Time, I know you well, and the tricks you play. Let us be friends.

Invest in loss.

The light of the heavy meadow

How can a heart be so light and heavy all at once? Like a meadow that's just been drenched by a hard fall of rain only to be followed by such radiant light.

I spoke with you tonight--we spoke to each other--and where there was dark wrought through light. We each must foray into dark places alone, grow. But somehow knowing our paths are separate yet similar is comfort to me. And knowing there is love still is at once heartwrenching and sweet, so sweet. I will stay the path forward and send what energy I can toward your own journey. I hope and I love. You are special to me, as is what we were.

Invest in loss.

Thank you for this phone call.

I love you.

tea and oranges

I give up.

I don't want to try to feel better, busy myself with new activities or go to bed early. I want to be with you.

But I have failed, we have failed, at that very thing. And there isn't any time for tea and oranges. The tea leaves are turning to brown, the oranges wither in the cold of my refrigerator.

I heard your two messages today, trying to help me through my difficult/failed herbal experience. One upbeat, the other, when you couldn't reach me, deflated. Both made me sad and I longed for you by my side once more.

Why, I continue to ask. It seems so unfair. So ridiculous. But then, I am having a difficult day today and my body feels unusually weak. I shall sleep, then.

I love you.

the anatomy of quiet spectacle

un petit mort.

I thought of you today. you reminded me of something sweet and warm, of love perhaps. such began this:

oh silent night
how not unlike death you are, your solid
figure thick like fog,
a mill or press
a containment.

we travel in paper planes
slip through love
are soft in air, so soft,
and then we land.

Pathetic little poem, but there it is nonetheless. Still, a sadness permeates. Still, a fear. But I am meditative and reflective. Am on the path toward.

my love.

On Graduating

This is for all of you who may not have had the best graduation day, like myself, and perhaps forgot to celebrate the amazing achievement of making it through a challenging university degree. Because, damnit, we should celebrate.

when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you free yourself.

now to tackle the in-between...

Marzipan dreams

I'm off for 4 days to a cottage, kindly invited by my friend Celeste, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks Celeste!

Otherwise, I'm spent.

goodbye now.

If only

you could open your eyes. Be brave. Love without fear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rq0apHW6Ezw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj8ZYSH3JXc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg_9FQk6UnA&feature=related

Dear George.

I carved our names in the wooden bridge on the mountain today. Unlike you, I want a record of our love and the realness of our relationship.

Dear George.

You have completely broken my heart.

And I haven't any more energy.

You of little faith.

Overcast, or, Singing in the Rain?

Who can tell.

I fall in love with you more and more each day, as my memories are revived of our times together. I do not seek such reflections, only ponder the intricacies which ended our true love. Is it man's fear of himself that stops him in his tracks? Or perhaps it is fear of death after all. You did so strive for immortality. They say one should never retire, that it is a sure path to dying. Perhaps men fear being with one woman then, as it is an end to something, or maybe some men see it that way. It is also a glorious beginning, an enriching life to have a like companion. They do say like cures like, in homeopathy. Oh dear George, have you paid such little attention to your naturopathy lessons?

Still miss you, but the rain somehow is helping tonight. Washing away and bringing such fresh fresh air. The sunny days are the ones that seem harder somehow.

I will go to the Botanical Gardens, the place we frequented last summer and frolicked with the small foxes--comparing ourselves to each wise and concentrated gaze--and try to reclaim it my own. It will be difficult, as many memories of closeness, companionship and love are amongst those trees, herbs, and stones. But claim it I must if I am to survive. It will likely not be anytime soon, however.

I know you must be alone now to contemplate your own life path, and I am willing to let that happen without interference, although am dreadfully sad to not have found you at a place in your life where you had thought of a definitive answer to your ever burgeoning question--What is my passion? What should I do? And might I suggest, What am I always running away from?

Your Tai Chi might help you discover the answers, however, I would caution you to not rejecting a thorough look within. Therein lies your mystery and the clues. You may heal yourself through the looking glass.

When I have the strength to do it, I shall plant our tree "Alberta" on the island in a special place, and let you know where you may visit it. Might it be a symbol of our love, friendship, and determination.

I love you. It will always be.