Friday, July 09, 2010

little lost, little little

I have now just completed one year of a Master's degree, achieving all but one of the required courses. Having taken 6 courses over the past 10 months, I shall now move onto the thesis preparation, and prepare for my first experience teaching a conference during both the fall and winter semesters. I will admit that I'm really looking forward to teaching. I loved helping students when I was a student mentor in my undergraduate program. I still run into one sweet girl who took some advice from me, and is now very pleased in her studies.

But still, after all this work has been done, I am feeling unsettled. As if the program doesn't quite fit me somehow. I miss my old studies in classics, and wonder what can be done about it. I will not abandon a degree near completion, but this feeling will not leave me. I dream of fragments of Greek script, museum work, travel, and teaching. I have noticed my work suffering as I'm not as keen to read 3 out of the 5 texts required in classes, and find the assignments aren't getting the best out of me. hmm. Perhaps the truth is simple: I am used to A work; I'm producing A-/B+ work. And not sure what to do about it other than practice practice practice.

A professor once told me I'll know what suits me when I can't put something down I'm reading in bed. That something is hard to articulate, but I'm trying to get closer to "a subject"--at present it spans philosophy, classics, Vogue, Chinese poetry, modern poetry, Tolkien, Nietzsche, and Peter Kingsley... there are others, can't remember whats at the pile's bottom.

The problem is, the obstacle is, that the course work takes a lot out of me and I have very little left to read what I want. Seems a flawed system, this required course work... and I am disappointed in the breadth of courses having been offered in my program. I really did think English Lit was close enough to Comparative Lit. Silly me.

Update: I may have uncovered a source for my spaciness. Low blood pressure. Apparently, my family shares this delicate indulgence. I shall have to employ two hunky Egyptians to carry around a fainting couch should I be inclined to dream too heavily (while walking).


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